#4 – B-Movie Madness

March 18, 2008

Shortly after I wrote my last entry bemoaning how utterly broke I am, I got a phone call from Milwaukee telling me I got a part in the sci-fi feature I auditioned for a few weeks ago. So, I untied the noose I’d swung from my sturdiest rafter and tuned in for the details, which made me re-tie the noose and hang myself for real. After I wrote this, of course.

The character they cast me for was a grad student friend of the hero, a scientist. We escape to a fall-out shelter with a crazy professor after a meteor strikes the earth and releases dust into the atmosphere. The dust turns humans into murderous zombies when they inhale it. At the end of the first act, we venture out to find other survivors, I get infected, then die and turn into the first zombie seen in the movie to that point. The project was named, aptly, “Dust.” Exciting, right?!

Not so exciting was the production company, which seemed really shady and wouldn’t commit on paper to the things they promised me verbally. And they didn’t want to pay much at all. It was all very porno. NOT that I know ANYTHING at all about PORN! All I can say is… ahem, I didn’t inhale.
I value what I do and think others ought to do the same – if I’m going to work for them anyway. It’s funny, I turned down their paltry dollars and insulting terms and what happened? I booked two print ads back to back, both with very respectable bottom lines, which will keep me in rent for another couple months, when I get paid, that is, in another couple months. Karma wails!

One ad is a panorama shot for Sprint like the ones they love to do. I play a construction guy in the foreground telling everyone what to do. In the background are people (a cultural potpourri the U.N. would be proud of) milling about on the street, going about their business, and all of them are on their wireless devices. If someone were to put a title on the shot it might be something like "Chaos: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Isolation in a Crowded Plaza." This one'll be on the web or on a flyer or something. The next one shoots tomorrow and it's for Solo cups. It's some hottie model and me at a high class party and we're both drinking mystery beverages in red and blue plastic cups. I call it, "Some Hottie Model and Me at a High Class Party and We're Both Drinking Mystery Beverages in Red and Blue Plastic Cups." The title really captures the essence, don't you think? Coming soon to
a newsstand near you! I think it's national print again.

So I didn’t really hang myself, I’ve never done porn, truly, and I’m still broke and famous, famous like the golf tip of the week or like the book of the month or like the new baby in my large extended family. And, after tomorrow I’ll be infinitely qualified for that beer commercial I’m vying for this year. Think major ad campaign everyone! It’s so hard to be a man of substance when a gallon of loose change only pays half my rent.

Best,

Jake

PS – Shilled Bush Light anyone? Speaking of beer, although this relates only tangentially, my new nickname for Hilary Clinton is Bush Light, as I don’t see much of a distinction between her and our current corporate-sponsored chief exec. I’m supporting either Barack Obama or Ron Paul for the residency of the White House, depending on if I wake up hopeful or cynical on election day. If I wake up pleasantly surprised, I’m writing in Bozo the Clown, who, dead or noticeably absent, would do a better job than anyone I’ve seen in my lifetime.

See you in the funny papers!